The Yule Ball Returns
by Mrs. Norris1
Summary: In response to the first-ever ACHOO challenge: The Yule Ball is back at Hogwarts, even more exciting than before, with all new treats such as Crest toothpaste and Spanish singers!


This is in response to ~*~ Aurora Lynn Rose~*~'s ACHOO

This is in response to ~*~ Aurora Lynn Rose~*~'s ACHOO! challenge (forgive me if I got the squiggles wrong). Here's the challenge: 

~~~~~~Must be at least 500 words long and funny

~~~~~~Someone must quote Benjamin Franklin at least twice 

~~~~~~Must include Death Eaters or former Death Eaters

~~~~~~Someone has to wear A LOT of makeup

~~~~~~Must feature Crest toothpaste

~~~~~~Someone must say, "No baile o cante, por favor!" which, in Spanish, means "Don't sing or dance, please!"

And hheeeeeeeeeeere'sthe fic. Aren't you so happy? J 

****

The Return of the Yule Ball

The entirety of Hogwarts was buzzing with excitement, all because the second annual Yule Ball was swiftly approaching. Harry and Ron were procrastinating about finding dates, assuming, like the previous year, that they'd get them by just waiting until the last minute. 

Hermione noticed this one day, a week from the Ball. 

"You know, the sleeping fox catches no poultry," she said wisely. 

"I'm not asleep," said Ron stupidly. 

"I think," said Harry, a bit more reasonably, "She means we shouldn't be so lazy and we should go out and get dates."

"Oh," said Ron, his ears reddening. 

So, with that advice, Harry and Ron went out, gathering all the dates they could find. They were bragging about it in the Common Room the next day when Hermione overheard them.

"Honestly," she said huffily.

"What?" asked Ron.

Hermione just sighed and answered, "Kill no more pigeons than you can eat."

"Why in the world would I want to eat a pigeon?" said Ron, pulling a face. "And what's with you and these bird sayings, huh? Hermione, I think you're cracking up."

"I think," said Harry, trying to be logical again, "She means we should stick to one date rather than taking on more than we can handle."

"Oh," said Ron, his ears reddening yet again.

And so Harry and Ron told off all of their dates but one. Harry had actually managed to snag Cho Chang, though he turned a brilliant shade of rouge every time he even heard her name. Ron had accidentally dumped too many of his good dates and wound up with Millicent Bulstrode. He would have dumped her and gotten someone else instead, but he was too scared of getting beaten up by her. 

"She has the hairiest arms I've ever seen!" said Ron to Harry, the day before the ball. A loud "humph!" came from Hermione, who was diligently studying in the corner. Harry couldn't help but notice, however, that she moved the sleeves of her robes, which had rolled up a bit, down back over her arms. 

"Well then, Miss Perfection," said Ron a bit forcefully. "Who's _your_ date?"

"You'll just laugh at me," Hermione answered, her eyes filling with tears. 

"Yes, I probably will. Tell us!" yelled Ron.

"No!" Hermione yelled back, just as loud.

"Yes!" said Ron.

"NO!!!" screamed Hermione, so harshly that Crookshanks jumped three feet in the air and turned into a hamburger bun.

But just at that moment, Peeves chose to come flying through the door that led to the bathroom. He had obviously found his way in through the school's many toilets. He floated weirdly over to Hermione, an odd, strangely sincere smile on his face. 

"Hello, love," he said sweetly, placing a wiry hand on her shoulder.

"Uhhello, Peeves," Hermione answered nervously, glancing up into Peeve's usually mischievous face. Harry noticed he had placed a wilted flower in his pocket and had waxed his unibrow.

Suddenly, Harry realized what was going on. Ron seemed to have realized the exact same thing. 

"Hermione's going to the ball with Peeves!" Ron shouted for the entire room to hear. 

But at that same moment, both Millicent Bulstrode and Moaning Myrtle came rushing in from the bathrooms. 

Millicent smiled evilly and said, "Ron, I'm going to the ball with Vincent."

"Vincent?" asked Ron.

"Vincent Crabbe, you idiot."

"Oh, we're going as a threesome?"

Ron was very slow that day, possibly because of getting high on some nuclear waste he had found in the dungeons. 

"I AM DUMPING YOU!" shouted a very formidable looking Millicent in his ear. "DO I NEED TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU? I A-G F-M-U-"

"I don't think that's how you spell it," Hermione interrupted, smirking. The smirk suddenly faded, however, when Millicent cracked her knuckles fiercely. Hermione crouched into a corner, terrified. 

"Well then," said Ron. "Why's Myrtle here?"

Myrtle smiled in what she seemed to think was a devious way. It was actually quite frightening. 

"You're taking her instead," said Millicent plainly, then walked back through the bathroom door. Ron stared after her, open-mouthed. 

****

At The Ball

The Great Hall was beautifully decorated with all the colors and symbols associated with Christmas, with a few final "wizarding" touches, such as real flying reindeer and little elves that ran around on the floor, trying their very hardest not to be stepped on. Unfortunately, a few didn't try hard enough, but no one really even noticed. 

Harry walked in, looking very smug, with a smiling Cho on his arm. She was wearing A LOT of makeup. And I don't just mean a little. I mean A LOT. Her eyelids were smeared with green eyeshadow, and on top of that was some blue eyeshadow. There were about 30 coats of mascara on her eyelashes and her eyes were so heavily lined, she looked like a cartoon character. Cho's entire face was about the color of a black coffee with no cream because of all the concealer and foundation she had on. And for some odd reason, Cho was wearing white lipstick, which looked incredibly stupid, but Harry pretended not to notice. 

Ron was having a very difficult time holding onto Myrtle's arm because it wasn't exactly there. And he was shivering so badly from the cold ghostly feeling that he knocked down Professor Snape in the Entrance Hall when he walked by. 

But no one had it nearly as bad as Hermione. Peeves floated ahead of her, picking his own nose and flicking boogers at people. When they would turn around to see who it was, Peeves would fly away, leaving Hermione standing there to take the blame. Peeves also succeeded in pouring a bowl of punch over Professor McGonagall's head, but apparently, she was very drunk and didn't even notice. 

"Marmosets!" she yelled, wobbling as she spoke. "Rabid Pygmy Marmosets!"

Hermione finally was able to control her date by putting a collar and leash around him, though Peeves persisted to annoy her by actually acting like a dog. 

Everyone was having quite a fantasmic time dancing to the beat of a weird Spanish band Dumbledore had booked. They were having such a good time that they didn't even notice that the music had stopped. They all just kept on dancing and singing the rest of the song. 

Suddenly, a cold voice swept over the crowd from the stage.

"No baile o cante, por favor!" it shouted, and Harry recognized it as the voice of Lucius Malfoy. The entire Hall shut up. 

"Heh, heh, heh," he chortled. "Picked up that little bit on a trip to Madrid"

Though he was looking quite frightening in a jet-black hooded robe, several people laughed. 

"SILENCE!" he screamed, spit flying from his mouth. He proceeded to fire the Dark Mark into the air. Several people fainted. 

"Mwahahahahahahaha!!!!!" Lucius screamed. He continued to laugh this way until a small, but very clear, bold voice interrupted him. 

"Good Lord! Your breath stinks!" It was Hermione. "Whew! I was wondering was reeked. Man, that is just _rancid_!"

Everyone in the Hall turned to stare at her as she drew something from her pocket and tossed it onstage.

"It's Crest. You'll like it. It leaves you with this neat tingly sensation when you're done brushing. I presume you've heard of a toothbrush, O Mighty King of Stench?"

Lucius Malfoy nodded numbly, picking up the tube of toothpaste on the floor.

"Twice a day, remember that. I don't _ever _want to see the inside of your mouth again, you hear me? That is just _nasty_."

Timidly, Mr. Malfoy asked, "What flavor is it? I like bubblegum"

"Bubblegum! Well there's the problem! You need something waaay stronger than bubblegum. That's kiddie stuff. Sir, you hold there in your hand the Powers of Minty-Freshness," continued Hermione expertly.

There was an evil glint in Mr. Malfoy's eyes. 

"No, way, Buster! The Powers of Minty-Freshness are to be used for good, never evil. If I ever get wind that you're using it for something else"

"No, no! You won't! Don't worry!" he said hastily, cowering into a corner. And just as suddenly as he had come, Lucius Malfoy fled out the open door. 

"_Honestly_,_"_ said Hermione through the stunned silence. "You'd think an important man like that would at least brush his teeth! If my parents ever saw thatwhy, they'd go mad!"

Everyone just continued to stare at Hermione. 

"Well, what are you looking at, dance!" she shouted as the music started up again. 

After that, everyone was having such a wonderful time, no one even noticed Gilderoy Lockhart running about insanely with a flaming stick between his teeth shouting, "I am a starfish!" repeatedly. 

In fact, and everyone had to agree, it had been the best Christmas ever at Hogwarts.

The End

Wasn't that a beautifully sappy ending? ::sniff, sniff:: It brings a tear to my eyesplease review, I'll be much obliged, and wish me luck in the contest! Weeeeeeeee!!!!!


End file.
